Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
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