He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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