Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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