HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
