# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
