Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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