we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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