fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
