I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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