Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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