My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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