I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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