Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
