Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
