Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
