also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
