I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
