my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
