I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
