Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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