She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
