we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you had me at cake vodka
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
