I'm really into asian looking animals
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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