I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
