My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
