What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
