i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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