She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
