He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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