so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
