Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize