So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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