My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
