That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
