I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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