Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
