I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
