i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
