haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
