I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
