he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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