I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize