dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
