Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Sacagawea was the original milf.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize