his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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