literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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