I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize