my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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