Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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