Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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