I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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