then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
