How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
