I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
