Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
