Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
