I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
