NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
