i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
