So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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