Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Randomize